Grand parents

What was most frustrating in growing up, is realizing that my parents are getting old too.
At first I was so happy growing and having a family of my own and feeling independent and out of my parent's authorities. But as time goes by I wish I had spent more time in my parent's arms, I wish I enjoyed being protected by them. I wish they were stronger , younger, and having more energy. The worst part ever was when my Dad got very sick and became so weak and dependent. Seeing my "Hero" laying down on hospital's bed was breaking my heart.  How come this strong authoritarian mn be that weak that he lost all passion in life and in living? How could he just accept what is offered? Why he is not fighting and swearing? Why is he so quite?
I wanted to shake him and tell him get up and yell at them. Tell them to F*** off and get yourself up and leave now.
But he has no energy or will, he gave up to his illness and to this new condition.
As the days go by, he became older by age and younger by spirit, he' s now just like a baby, a simple thing can make him Happy and not aware as he used to be, but still smiling. He never skip a moment without telling me that he loves me, that he loves us all, that he find happiness in our presence.
I know that the days are counting down, and as much as it's shattering my heart, I like to cherish each and every moment with him.

Dancing

Dancing has always be part of me, part of my identity, since I was sooo young.
My earliest memory when I was 3 years old and everyone admires my belly dancing. Then I was fascinated by ballet and I looked forward to get older to be able to learn it and wear my "pointe" shoes. And my mother at the age of 7 enrolled me on my first ballet class.
Through my life I learnt ballet, caractère, merengue, salsa, cha cha... and many other type of dances.
As I grew up and became a mother I was withdrawn bit by bit from dancing, only dancing with friends, my kids at home, or sometimes even in the car, but never as I used before.
The past few months I was searching for my old self, the one who had alot of energy and power, and I seeked the help of a life coach, and through the process the first thing that brighted in my mind was "Dancing". I missed dancing, and the passion I had for it. I found out that dancing was not exhausting me, in the contrary, it was giving me the power to go on, to move forward in all the aspect of my life.
I hope that it's not late for me to resume dancing, and find out my old me again.

Where do I get my strength from?

Am I strong or weak? I always ask myself where do I get my strength from? Do I have a strength at all? Or is it only shallow?
I faced a lot of difficulties through out my life, even though I am not that old, but still I don't see myself as a strong person, I even feel that I am so weak and effortless. I don't know if I am doing the right thing raising my kids, if I am the caring daughter for my parents as they are getting older, if I am the good wife my husband dreamt of.... so many questions are going through my head.
Sometimes I meet a friend and she starts to ask me, how do you so it? Managing all the hustle in your life? You must be a Super woman!!! But actually I do not believe I deserve to be called a Super woman, i have many flaws in my life, but what I am really thankful for is God's blessing and mercifulness. Without them I wouldn't be able to make it for one day. Every morning I ask God for power and strength to go through the day, and at the end I thank God for making it work. That's how I get my strength.
So ask God, yes ask him daily to help you to give you the strength to maintain your life in order, ask him to guide you and clear your path so not to fall, ask him to give you the wise to see the good from the bad in everything. And at the end of the day Praise him and thank him for making you look like a Super woman in the eyes of everyone.

Living with a Teenzilla

Having a teenage kid at home is one of the biggest challenge of parenthood.
You are never good enough to their standards, never doing your best, you can never understand how they feel, you are always born in an old ear. As if you were never a teenage too one day.
Raising them? I don't know whether we are raising them or them raising us?
I thought that having a child while I'm still young will get me through this phase easily as a young mom. But this Era teenagers are sooooo different from us. First of all I found out that new teenaging is starting from the age of 8; first there's "tween", then at 10 there's "pre-teen", and the last level where you meet the GUL " teenage".
By the time I reached that level I was already in a mess. Trying to be her friend at times, trying to set rules at others, keeping it balanced is not an easy job, you're juggling with too many balls, if you dropped one you'll loose them all.
No-one is sure of how well they are raising their children, but some are not doing it at all, and my worst defeat is competing with pears pressure and environmental impact.
I admit that in many situations I felt frustrated, I felt that I'm loosing all kind of control; on her as well as on myself, but I only believe that what kept me from falling is God's bless, yes, I'm trying to do my best, even if it were not enough, but this is the best I can do, and that's what really matter, at the end of the day feeling that comfortable with myself.

How I met your father...

Kids are always fascinated by the story behind how their parents met. Mine always ask me, How you met Papa? And I always tell them that we were friends and then our friendship turned to a lovely love story. But this answer never killed their curiosity, they want more of the story, each one of them wants to hear the part that interested him/her. The older girl is looking for an answer of where will I meet mine? The boys are looking for how did you get all these stuffs? The younger girl is asking how did I choose my gown? Kids are always thinking that they will have the same fate like us, that they will always go for the same processes we've been through. 

When I go back in time when I was much younger, and eager to follow my mother's path, I realize that I met my man at a different age than my mother, I went through a lot of different complications. 

We dream of a life similar to the one we've been hearing about, but no matter how hard we dream we all end up with a different one.

Hope that they will live a much happier and easier love stories, and be able to tell with joy their stories of how they met their spouses

If I could turn back time

Right now I'm reading a novel about if you can turn back time, what would you change? At first I thought : naaa, I won't use this option, because I know that I would definitely rechoose the same scenarios. But all of a sudden I remembered one choice, a trivial choice, on Saturday 21st of March 2010 I woke up with an unusual eager to eat a "Cinnabon", yes a "Cinnabon" nothing more, and as it was the mothers' day here my brother called to ask me and my mother, who was staying with me that day as I was in my 8th months of pregnancy with my twins, if we want him to get anything with him as he us passing by, and all I asked for us a "Cinnabon" and that day he granted my wish. I ate that delicious "Cinnabon" with all my heart, forgetting that the doctor forbiden me from "Cinnamon" as I have early contractions and delivery signs, and after finishing it I had a very comfortable deep sleep. Till 8 am when I woke up with severe contractions that won't go away. Doctor fave me extra dose of my medicine, but nothing worked. At 11: 30 pm on 22nd I was in complete pain with 5 mins apart contractions, and 12:15 am I have birth to 2 prematured babies. And from that day my whole life has changed.
If I could turn back time I would go to that particular day and tell myself not to eat that "Cinnabon", I would be more careful to let my babies in my womb for at least another week or two, any extra day would made a difference.
But for the time being, I ate that "Cinnabon", and I made that choice, and I am living with the consequences.

Loneliness

One of the worst feelings ever is loneliness... feeling lonely and homeless although you never left your home. For the past few years one by one of my family members started a new life in a new country, so we are latterly spreat all over the world, and now after my mom went to visit one of my brother in another continent I'm all alone without my family although I never left my country. This new year was a very sad one this year, and what made it worse is that my husband - who is a commercial pilot- should have come on NYE  but had a change of route and couldn't return back home as scheduled. Kids were so disappointed by the news, I tried to do my best to cheer them up but I myself was broken inside so they didn't feel my enthusiasm. I sometimes ask myself what if I took my family too and start a new life in another country? Will I be that lonely there too? Will I be feeling broken hearted on events and celebrations because I am away?
I don't think leaving by choice will be more difficult than being left out in your own home. But all I pray for is that may be some day me and my kids beeing here will be the motive for everyone to come back and be reunited.  Who knows....