Jealousy

I've been in love with my husband for 16 years now, yes 16 years and I'm not that old:). I love him since I was 17 years old. He has been the center of my life for half of it. My husband is a handsome man tall, green eyes and deep voice, and I can see from time to time women admiring him, and that makes me soooo jealous. I know he loves me so, and I trust him so much, but at the same time I can't stand the look in some women's eyes. I want to shout he's mine, and only mine, you have no right to even look at him or admire his talks. Women can be as jealous as men, but men can't believe it. I believe that women can be more jealous too, because if the woman is married most men won't think of having her because she's with another man, men's rule. But the man can have more than one woman, so some women tend to grab the man's attention if she likes him because she knows that she might have him as a husband and that's what bother most married women. Every time I hear about a lovely couple who were living in heaven and suddenly the man marries another woman, I feel frustrated and afraid, what if God forbid this happened to us? What men don't know is that women's life is more complicated than theirs. They have to take care of their children, the house , themselves, and before all their husbands, with the threat of other women. Love and time never guaranty happiness or faithfulness, nor jealousy guaranties that the woman can protect her husband, but the trust and holding on, trusting each others, and holding on to good memories and believing that even the worst thing that can happen won't come between us. But even though, I still and will always be Jealous, cause if I don't love him that much I wouldn't be Jealous.

Hydrocephalus?!!!!

When I was pregnant with my twins i had so many problems, that I delivered them in the 32nd week of pregnancy, and that's early, they call them premature babies, Sélim was 1.6 kgs and Aysel was 1.2 kgs. They were so tiny that they had to be placed in incubators and couldn't at first breath pn their own, it was so difficult but after a week they were doi g better breathing and eating and for the first time I held them in my arms, the first one was Sélim, he was doing better than her, and after 10 days on the NICU I was able to get him home,5 days later I got Aysel. A week after Sélim was at I found a big difference in eating and sleeping between him and his sister, everybody told me not to compare between them or I'll get mad,but I couldn't there was something wrong I can feel it even though everyone else doesn't so I decided to take him to the doctor, and He first told me he's a little bit week and has to go back to the NICU. The next day after givi g him a thoroughly check up I discovered that he has something called "Hydrocephalus". It was a very hard time for us,not knowing what is this? Where did he get it? Is it my fault? Was he born like this? What will happen now? Will he survive it? The answers were always ambiguous, no one knows what will happen or how or when, they have my 14 days baby's brain!!!!! What if he does something wrong? Every doctor we have seen assured us that the operation is a basic one and not complicated at all, but that's from physicians point of view not parents point of view, it's our baby! After a brief confusion we decided the doctor, and he was a good one thank God. But after 55 min we got a call on our cell phone that the doctor needs to talk to us immediately, we ran to the doors of the OR, the doctor was waiting for us with a sad face, he told us that he found a serious amount of blood in the brain liquid and that means either he had some bleeding in his brain and that's the reason or there's a very bad viral infection causing the bleeding and that he can't continue in the operation and he has to place an external drainage till we know much more of his situation. For 3 weeks he was placed in a seperate room in an incubator with tubes coming out every single place of his tiny body and a big one out of his opened brain! Can't describe the feeling in words even after more than 2 years when I talk about it my tears fall. We made laboratory check almost daily in separate laboratories and each one got us a different result! We contacted doctors abroad to see if they have different opinions but no one has an idea of what was wrong or what happened. Everyone was confused even the doctors they gave him all antibiotics they can prescribe, they told us not to visit him so we won't get attached to him, but I couldn't. I couldn't give up to him, knowing that my baby is locked in an incubator in a separate room all by himself no one can touches him, he's fed through a machine when it's time to change or get his bath the nurse get all the room disinfected and clean her hands and only medical tools like in the operation room. I couldn't leave him alone even if I only sit on a chair beside his incubator touching it and reciting verses of the Qur'an and praying for him. Everyone was saying let him go so you can take care of your other children, but I was saying he in one of them to, even his doctor told me he's not your son yet, you don't know him, you knew him just few days ago. I said no he is my son, and you all knew him just few days ago, I know him nine months ago, I know him from day one of my pregnancy and I felt him with his first kick. He is my baby son, and he needs me more now, even if they say he doesn't know or feel my presence, but deep inside of me I felt he was, he was calmer and peaceful when I was there, even the nurses told me so. He knew I'm here for him, and that he is not alone in his pain. After 3 weeks, thank God he was getting better and the liquid was clear now, so they stopped the antibiotics and got the external drainage out for a couple of weeks to get ready for a second operation. He was sent home with a hole in his head, and I had to clean it daily. Yes, by myself, you could never imagine my feeling and how stressful it was. Those couple of weeks was so hard, I belt a strong relation with him, he was sleeping in my arms, fed by me, his siblings got used to his presence....etc, but what will happen if God forbid something went wrong now? How can I survive such a trauma? The day of the main operation came and I was praying God for his full recovery. And thank God the operation went well and 48 hours later he was at home. The doctor didn't guaranty that everything will go fine and that he won't have any problem, but my faith in God's merciness was great and unquestionable. He was a little bit late in some progress specially the monitor ones, we had to make a shunt revision, changing the valve, after a month and a half, but after all he has been through and what we encountered, I don't miss a single day without Thanking God for his gift and mercy. He's doing much better now you can not know what he has been through or dealing with till now, he's a normal baby thank God. Always funny and laughing and cheerful. Everyone loves him and plays with him. I know that I will spend my whole life worrying about Sélim's health and wellness, but I'm sure that God sent him to us as a test and a reward as well. And he is a very delightful cheerful reward, he is my trophy, my "Miracle".

A housewife! That's my job...

Being a housewife is a full time job, everyone needs your help and everyone wants something to be done quickly. And the house itself is an endless job. I'm totally and fully satisfied with my job and I wish I can do it the best it can be, but the problem is when people starts asking me, why do you downgrade yourself to be just a housewife and to not fulfill your dreams? Who the heck told you that I'm not satisfied or that I'm not fulfilling my dreams???? Do I have to work from 9 to 5 to be a modern woman? And they became so stupefied when they hear that I left a good job to stay at home, also that I was the first of my class and a very smart student, thank God. Why should only stupid unwilling to learn women stay at home? That's my decision and I take full responsibility of it. And who said I'm not fulfilling my dreams? People who know me they know that all my life I was dreaming of becoming a mom, and that I wish to take care of my children and my family by myself, if this is my dream and I'm happy realizing it, why should people lower my dream and always try to make it appears like I'm crazy and will regret it someday?! They ask me why don't I get a maid to cook for us and get more time? Why do I bother myself in cooking? I love cooking!!! I find it very relaxing :) they're telling me why don't you send the babies to a nursery now ? Because I like taking care Of my children!!!! Why do you do such an effort going to kids training? They won't be Olympic athletes After all? Who knows maybe they will? And even though, I like to make that effort! I'm not asking anyone to do my work or to help me in it, but I'm asking for support and positive words. That's all. This is my life and that's how I like to live it. It's different than what other people would think life should be for a 21st century woman. But that's how I believe my life should be. I like to fulfill it through my children. If that's their dream to work and have a successful work life so I wish them the best. And I hope that people wish me happiness and success along with strength.

In sickness and in health

Having someone sick in the house makes my job harder for sure, but there are 3 scenarios of sickness in my house depending on who's sick. 1. If one or more of the kids are sick, this case is not a heavy duty case rather stressful one. I keep checking on the sick kid every 5 mins, I hate it when they have a 39 or < fever, when they are vomiting or when they have diarrhea. I get so nervous and I can't sleep till they get better. Scheduling their medicines and fighting over taking them, keep reading their temperatures, giving them enough fluids and the right meals. And the minute I find them out of their bed fighting and shouting, I feel relax for this moment, cause I know they are back to their normal situation. 2. When my Husband is sick, that's a bad situation, where I get physically stressed and mentally too. When the Husband is sick, the whole world should be comfortable and on his demand, cause nobody is sick like him! He has the worst flu that anyone can have! I know many women are saying now : That's my husband!. Yes, they are all the same, the world turns around them. 3. The worst case scenario is when I am Sick!! Not because I'm making a big fuzz out of it, noooo, because no one treats me as a sick person. I'm treated as a totally normal person who should cook and take care of the house and the kids demands, and every 2 mins I hear someone calling "Mama!!!". And if God forbid I had fever or dizziness, they lock me in my bedroom and no one approaches me so they won't get sick too, and by no one I mean my dear Husband :) he even once sprayed the whole room with "Detoll" spray before entering the room cause I was so ill that day:). In sickness and in health is a very important phrase in marriage vows. Some people get bored and can't support taking care of a sick person and leave. While others stick and be a third hand to carry you till you get better. Most men can't handle a sick woman, they don't know how to act. While most women by instinct can be a great support I met in life women who run away when they feel that this person is so sick and will depend on them. And I also met men who stick to their wives in real illness and stand by them all the way. I hope no one I know faces those situations, but at the same time, I hope they'll find the person who will always be there for them, no matter what.

Working

Before my marriage, I've worked for 3 years as a teaching assistant in a well known private academy.I was as everyone said, a good teacher. I worked there till i gave birth to my first daughter, then I took my maternity leave, a 3 months leave followed by a whole year. Everyone told me that I wont't be able to tolerate staying at home for a whole year and that I'll be back before that. After the year ended I felt that my daughter needs me for another year, after that I gave birth to my son. Then I took 2 years this time. Then I found out that I don't want to become a working mom, I want to be a Mom, a home stayed Mom. There's nothing wrong with staying at home raising your children. I made a list of pros and cons, and I found out that I'm not the person who can handle a full time job and being a full time Mom. I'm not a lazy person at all, but why do I have to live 2 lives? 2 hectic lives? I won't be a good teacher as I used to be nor a good Mom for my children, and for what? The earning is not that good it won't even pay for the maid! So I decided to submit my resignation. But they refused it twice and gave me 4 years off. But finally they accepted it. That day was so complicated for me, I was torn between two feelings, one of relief that I'm finally free, and the other of longing. I've even shredded some tears. But even though people says I'm a nut to leave a respectful stabilized job to stay at home, and that one day I'll regret it. I'm not upset or even slightly remorse, for taking this step, cause I know myself and my capabilities, and I know that I'm not the kind of person who'll let herself getting bored. I'm resourceful, and I have lots of Hobbies and I can make myself busy very easily :). I loved my job, but I love my house and children more, and I can tolerate being a little bit bored, but I won't have peace with myself if my children miss my presence or feel neglected. I left my job as a good teacher and respected by everyone, and that's the way I wanted to be, always remembered as a hard worker and an intelligent person. Now I have to build a good memory in my children's life as a devoted loving mother. I had my time, now it's theirs.