Like mother, like daughter

If anyone told me 10 years ago that someday I'll be the exact same copy of my mother, I would't believe him. But now I' m realizing with each passing day that I'm becoming Her.  I act the way she acted facing the same situation when i was a little girl. I yell at my kids with her tone of yelling, i nag with them to eat the same meal she used to nag me to eat. I sit in the club in front of my children's training with a cup of tea and a bag of yarn, knitting . I always look for big bags because I have lots of " essentials" to carry with me.
And what I also realized, that my baby girl grew up and now she's me. She's me at her age, laughing, jumping, talking, the same way I used to be. She stand in front of her mirror dancing and  singing the same as I used to do. Now she likes to take a walk with her friends and to sit with them away from my table, she's asking for her independence gradually. She started talking about boys, who's a good boy and who's naughty.  She started to find that she's beautiful and recognize her points of strength. She's stepping into teen aging with a small but yet defined steps. I can see myself as a teenager in her.
I fear now that days go by so quickly and  she become a bride  and I loose this little girl of mine. Her innocence and naivety, and her love of  the upcoming life.
I never asked my mother how she felt when I was a little girl growing in front of her eyes? But I'm sure that she felt the same way too. That she was becoming her mother,  and I became her.

My Facebook friends

When I first heard about Facebook, it was early 2007. And I became a member just by curiosity, then after few weeks I decided to make a group called " I like to be a Mom but I'm so tired" and at the beginning it was so successful and I met wonderful moms. Then one of the mothers introduced me to a group  called " for married couples only" this group was made to talk about all problems facing married people together and understanding each others point of view, and this was the beginning of a new kind of life and friendship for me. I met there a group of women with whom I made a very strong bond of friendship which developed through time. We decided to go further on our friendship so we created a private group just for us we were 13 women, all type of women, different ages, personalities, background...etc.  Through years the group became smaller and smaller so we decided again to just chat on threads, we are 7 now:), but 7 of most wonderful ladies I ever met. We chat about everything, our daily routine, art, movies, our kids, our husbands, politics, cooking, and problems. We stood by each others through many difficult times in our lives, we listen, talk, brainstorm  sll together till we find a solution and consolidate each others, it's like a group therapy. And it is really effective. Although if you knew each one of us separately you'll find it so difficult to understand how we are all friends together? But this diversity is what making our friendship stronger. Because each one has her point of strength and weakness, so we complete each other, to a better  person.
I cherish their friendship so much,they've been with me through hard times, never failed me,never let me down. Sometimes I think that God sent us to each others to go through the tough times we all faced and not to let one of us fall. Their friendship is the really mining of support and love, it's a selflessness relationship, no one needs something from the other, no one have previous knowledge of the other, no one have common friend with the other, it's was God and our honesty that brought and  maintained us together.
God bless them and their families, and God bless our true friendship. May we be friends forever. Love you.

The supermarket

Going to the supermarket became an impossible to me. I only have two options, either I call the super market or tell my husband to go. I call the supermarket when I need many things cause my husband doesn't like to go around the alleys  looking for the items I want. I only ask him when I need bread or cheese :). When I ask my dear Husband to buy 3/4 packs of bread and a pack of cheese, things that will only cost £ 20 max, he comes back with 5/6 bags minimum full of all kinds of juices, biscuits, chocolates, ...etc all unnecessary items. And then complains that he paid  more than £ 200 for those things!!!! And when I buy a bar of chocolate he makes a big scene! First I thought that only my husband acting like that, then I discovered that all men are like babies in supermarkets, they are all attracted by chocolates and biscuits and all the offers there even if they don't need these stuffs. I used to be angry but realizing that this is in their genes made me more peaceful and now I  learned to get the things out of the bags calmly without any questions, saying thank you for the bread and cheese with a big Smile on my face :). 

Family bed

From day one I decided I don't encourage the idea of "Family bed" and I think that the children must sleep in their own bed in their own bedroom. I almost never allow my children to sleep in my bed, only in case of sickness, because they feel so week and need support. But to tell you the truth, although I don't encourage it, but the most cherished moment for me is when I hold my kid in my arms and fall asleep, and I feel so calm when they turn around and hug me with their little arm.

    But after they get better, I hold on to my beliefs and send them back to their bed. I feel so sad that I'll miss their hugs but if didn't  do so, with four children there will be no place for me and for my husband to sleep in our bed.

     

Jealousy

I've been in love with my husband for 16 years now, yes 16 years and I'm not that old:). I love him since I was 17 years old. He has been the center of my life for half of it. My husband is a handsome man tall, green eyes and deep voice, and I can see from time to time women admiring him, and that makes me soooo jealous. I know he loves me so, and I trust him so much, but at the same time I can't stand the look in some women's eyes. I want to shout he's mine, and only mine, you have no right to even look at him or admire his talks. Women can be as jealous as men, but men can't believe it. I believe that women can be more jealous too, because if the woman is married most men won't think of having her because she's with another man, men's rule. But the man can have more than one woman, so some women tend to grab the man's attention if she likes him because she knows that she might have him as a husband and that's what bother most married women. Every time I hear about a lovely couple who were living in heaven and suddenly the man marries another woman, I feel frustrated and afraid, what if God forbid this happened to us? What men don't know is that women's life is more complicated than theirs. They have to take care of their children, the house , themselves, and before all their husbands, with the threat of other women. Love and time never guaranty happiness or faithfulness, nor jealousy guaranties that the woman can protect her husband, but the trust and holding on, trusting each others, and holding on to good memories and believing that even the worst thing that can happen won't come between us. But even though, I still and will always be Jealous, cause if I don't love him that much I wouldn't be Jealous.

Hydrocephalus?!!!!

When I was pregnant with my twins i had so many problems, that I delivered them in the 32nd week of pregnancy, and that's early, they call them premature babies, Sélim was 1.6 kgs and Aysel was 1.2 kgs. They were so tiny that they had to be placed in incubators and couldn't at first breath pn their own, it was so difficult but after a week they were doi g better breathing and eating and for the first time I held them in my arms, the first one was Sélim, he was doing better than her, and after 10 days on the NICU I was able to get him home,5 days later I got Aysel. A week after Sélim was at I found a big difference in eating and sleeping between him and his sister, everybody told me not to compare between them or I'll get mad,but I couldn't there was something wrong I can feel it even though everyone else doesn't so I decided to take him to the doctor, and He first told me he's a little bit week and has to go back to the NICU. The next day after givi g him a thoroughly check up I discovered that he has something called "Hydrocephalus". It was a very hard time for us,not knowing what is this? Where did he get it? Is it my fault? Was he born like this? What will happen now? Will he survive it? The answers were always ambiguous, no one knows what will happen or how or when, they have my 14 days baby's brain!!!!! What if he does something wrong? Every doctor we have seen assured us that the operation is a basic one and not complicated at all, but that's from physicians point of view not parents point of view, it's our baby! After a brief confusion we decided the doctor, and he was a good one thank God. But after 55 min we got a call on our cell phone that the doctor needs to talk to us immediately, we ran to the doors of the OR, the doctor was waiting for us with a sad face, he told us that he found a serious amount of blood in the brain liquid and that means either he had some bleeding in his brain and that's the reason or there's a very bad viral infection causing the bleeding and that he can't continue in the operation and he has to place an external drainage till we know much more of his situation. For 3 weeks he was placed in a seperate room in an incubator with tubes coming out every single place of his tiny body and a big one out of his opened brain! Can't describe the feeling in words even after more than 2 years when I talk about it my tears fall. We made laboratory check almost daily in separate laboratories and each one got us a different result! We contacted doctors abroad to see if they have different opinions but no one has an idea of what was wrong or what happened. Everyone was confused even the doctors they gave him all antibiotics they can prescribe, they told us not to visit him so we won't get attached to him, but I couldn't. I couldn't give up to him, knowing that my baby is locked in an incubator in a separate room all by himself no one can touches him, he's fed through a machine when it's time to change or get his bath the nurse get all the room disinfected and clean her hands and only medical tools like in the operation room. I couldn't leave him alone even if I only sit on a chair beside his incubator touching it and reciting verses of the Qur'an and praying for him. Everyone was saying let him go so you can take care of your other children, but I was saying he in one of them to, even his doctor told me he's not your son yet, you don't know him, you knew him just few days ago. I said no he is my son, and you all knew him just few days ago, I know him nine months ago, I know him from day one of my pregnancy and I felt him with his first kick. He is my baby son, and he needs me more now, even if they say he doesn't know or feel my presence, but deep inside of me I felt he was, he was calmer and peaceful when I was there, even the nurses told me so. He knew I'm here for him, and that he is not alone in his pain. After 3 weeks, thank God he was getting better and the liquid was clear now, so they stopped the antibiotics and got the external drainage out for a couple of weeks to get ready for a second operation. He was sent home with a hole in his head, and I had to clean it daily. Yes, by myself, you could never imagine my feeling and how stressful it was. Those couple of weeks was so hard, I belt a strong relation with him, he was sleeping in my arms, fed by me, his siblings got used to his presence....etc, but what will happen if God forbid something went wrong now? How can I survive such a trauma? The day of the main operation came and I was praying God for his full recovery. And thank God the operation went well and 48 hours later he was at home. The doctor didn't guaranty that everything will go fine and that he won't have any problem, but my faith in God's merciness was great and unquestionable. He was a little bit late in some progress specially the monitor ones, we had to make a shunt revision, changing the valve, after a month and a half, but after all he has been through and what we encountered, I don't miss a single day without Thanking God for his gift and mercy. He's doing much better now you can not know what he has been through or dealing with till now, he's a normal baby thank God. Always funny and laughing and cheerful. Everyone loves him and plays with him. I know that I will spend my whole life worrying about Sélim's health and wellness, but I'm sure that God sent him to us as a test and a reward as well. And he is a very delightful cheerful reward, he is my trophy, my "Miracle".

A housewife! That's my job...

Being a housewife is a full time job, everyone needs your help and everyone wants something to be done quickly. And the house itself is an endless job. I'm totally and fully satisfied with my job and I wish I can do it the best it can be, but the problem is when people starts asking me, why do you downgrade yourself to be just a housewife and to not fulfill your dreams? Who the heck told you that I'm not satisfied or that I'm not fulfilling my dreams???? Do I have to work from 9 to 5 to be a modern woman? And they became so stupefied when they hear that I left a good job to stay at home, also that I was the first of my class and a very smart student, thank God. Why should only stupid unwilling to learn women stay at home? That's my decision and I take full responsibility of it. And who said I'm not fulfilling my dreams? People who know me they know that all my life I was dreaming of becoming a mom, and that I wish to take care of my children and my family by myself, if this is my dream and I'm happy realizing it, why should people lower my dream and always try to make it appears like I'm crazy and will regret it someday?! They ask me why don't I get a maid to cook for us and get more time? Why do I bother myself in cooking? I love cooking!!! I find it very relaxing :) they're telling me why don't you send the babies to a nursery now ? Because I like taking care Of my children!!!! Why do you do such an effort going to kids training? They won't be Olympic athletes After all? Who knows maybe they will? And even though, I like to make that effort! I'm not asking anyone to do my work or to help me in it, but I'm asking for support and positive words. That's all. This is my life and that's how I like to live it. It's different than what other people would think life should be for a 21st century woman. But that's how I believe my life should be. I like to fulfill it through my children. If that's their dream to work and have a successful work life so I wish them the best. And I hope that people wish me happiness and success along with strength.

In sickness and in health

Having someone sick in the house makes my job harder for sure, but there are 3 scenarios of sickness in my house depending on who's sick. 1. If one or more of the kids are sick, this case is not a heavy duty case rather stressful one. I keep checking on the sick kid every 5 mins, I hate it when they have a 39 or < fever, when they are vomiting or when they have diarrhea. I get so nervous and I can't sleep till they get better. Scheduling their medicines and fighting over taking them, keep reading their temperatures, giving them enough fluids and the right meals. And the minute I find them out of their bed fighting and shouting, I feel relax for this moment, cause I know they are back to their normal situation. 2. When my Husband is sick, that's a bad situation, where I get physically stressed and mentally too. When the Husband is sick, the whole world should be comfortable and on his demand, cause nobody is sick like him! He has the worst flu that anyone can have! I know many women are saying now : That's my husband!. Yes, they are all the same, the world turns around them. 3. The worst case scenario is when I am Sick!! Not because I'm making a big fuzz out of it, noooo, because no one treats me as a sick person. I'm treated as a totally normal person who should cook and take care of the house and the kids demands, and every 2 mins I hear someone calling "Mama!!!". And if God forbid I had fever or dizziness, they lock me in my bedroom and no one approaches me so they won't get sick too, and by no one I mean my dear Husband :) he even once sprayed the whole room with "Detoll" spray before entering the room cause I was so ill that day:). In sickness and in health is a very important phrase in marriage vows. Some people get bored and can't support taking care of a sick person and leave. While others stick and be a third hand to carry you till you get better. Most men can't handle a sick woman, they don't know how to act. While most women by instinct can be a great support I met in life women who run away when they feel that this person is so sick and will depend on them. And I also met men who stick to their wives in real illness and stand by them all the way. I hope no one I know faces those situations, but at the same time, I hope they'll find the person who will always be there for them, no matter what.

Working

Before my marriage, I've worked for 3 years as a teaching assistant in a well known private academy.I was as everyone said, a good teacher. I worked there till i gave birth to my first daughter, then I took my maternity leave, a 3 months leave followed by a whole year. Everyone told me that I wont't be able to tolerate staying at home for a whole year and that I'll be back before that. After the year ended I felt that my daughter needs me for another year, after that I gave birth to my son. Then I took 2 years this time. Then I found out that I don't want to become a working mom, I want to be a Mom, a home stayed Mom. There's nothing wrong with staying at home raising your children. I made a list of pros and cons, and I found out that I'm not the person who can handle a full time job and being a full time Mom. I'm not a lazy person at all, but why do I have to live 2 lives? 2 hectic lives? I won't be a good teacher as I used to be nor a good Mom for my children, and for what? The earning is not that good it won't even pay for the maid! So I decided to submit my resignation. But they refused it twice and gave me 4 years off. But finally they accepted it. That day was so complicated for me, I was torn between two feelings, one of relief that I'm finally free, and the other of longing. I've even shredded some tears. But even though people says I'm a nut to leave a respectful stabilized job to stay at home, and that one day I'll regret it. I'm not upset or even slightly remorse, for taking this step, cause I know myself and my capabilities, and I know that I'm not the kind of person who'll let herself getting bored. I'm resourceful, and I have lots of Hobbies and I can make myself busy very easily :). I loved my job, but I love my house and children more, and I can tolerate being a little bit bored, but I won't have peace with myself if my children miss my presence or feel neglected. I left my job as a good teacher and respected by everyone, and that's the way I wanted to be, always remembered as a hard worker and an intelligent person. Now I have to build a good memory in my children's life as a devoted loving mother. I had my time, now it's theirs.

First time pregnant

3 weeks after my wedding day i got the biggest news, that I'm pregnant! I was so so so so so happy, that I red the lab result many many times to make sure it's true and I'm not daydreaming. The one who was in shock for several days is my husband! He couldn't believe it's true till he saw the first sonography of the fetus, and even then he didn't knew what he saw exactly :)? I took the sonography photo and scanned it and send it to my father and brother who live abroad, couple of hours later my brother called me and said: What is that picture you sent to me? I replied my baby's picture! He said where is the baby? I told him you see the line where 1.80 cms is written above? He said yes. I said that's my baby! :))) he yelled and shouted that when I have the picture of a real baby I send it to him not a picture of a 1.80 cms line! But I was so happy with that line :) My pregnancy wasn't an easy pregnancy at all, I had so many complications and had to bed rest several times, I even started having contractions from the 6th months. I wanted to know the baby's gender but my husband did 't want to. But deep inside me I've always said that I'm sure it's a baby girl, and I will call her " Sévine". It's a Turkish name meaning " sweetheart" or " the person who brings joy to my heart", I've always felt that the girl is her mother's sweetheart. I used to sing to my belly babies' songs, and songs for daughters, and my husband was so angry, what if it's a boy? I wish my first baby to be a boy. But I've always teased him that I'm sure that it's a girl and will look exactly like me, although she turned out ot be exactly like her father :). I used to look at my belly moving with the baby's movement and imagining what is he/she doing at this moment. Wondering what does he/ she looks like now? I got a what to expect when you're expecting book and I red it every night. One of the most funniest moment for me, is when the baby got hick up :) and start to jump in the belly. Or when the baby yawn :) and stretches his legs and arms. It's a totally different feeling, that feeling of a living person inside of you, this stranger and yet isn't totally stranger cause it's a 50% you. All the suspense related to finally meeting face to face, and how will you react and will you be able to take care of this new person? Will he/ she have 2 arms 2 feet 10 fingers and 10 toes? Will he/ she be a fine baby? Etc. At 36 weeks of pregnancy I got a major contraction and it was time to deliver the baby. After 16 hours in labor, the doctor decided to make a C-section, so I experienced the pain in double:( but at the moment they were taking me to the OR, the anesthesiologist said to me: what will you call her? I said her? He told me yes didn't you knew that you're having a baby girl? It's in your file? I replied Sévine :) and I was so eager to finally meet her and taking her in my arms. She was so beautiful, so tiny and yet so strong. She was a premature baby but she didn't show any weakness. I couldn't believe myself that this baby is mine, she's not a baby toy, or someone else 's baby! She's my daughter, she's my "Sévine". I took her in my arms and prayed for her, prayed to be a good girl, daughter, woman, wife and mother, to be in good health, to be smart, to be able to love and be loved, to have all her dreams come true. And I wished for myself to see her growing, see her in her wedding day, and to hold her children as I'm holding her. Amen.

Love

Love has a different definition in men's dictionary than in women's dictionary, it's so obvious. I love my husband so much, and I know that he loves me too. But like all wives I always tell him that I need him to show me his love, I need him to call me "huny" "my love" "sweetheart" " sugar"....etc not "Mama"!!! I have already 4 persons calling me by this name, I need him to buy me flowers, even a single red rose. When I cook his favorite meal I need him to tell me " Thank you Dear for your effort" not " Ohhh! I ate so much I need a glass of sprite!" When he's talking on the phone, even if he was talking to his best friend who knows me sooo well, he never says my name, he always refers to me as " the wife" " the mother"...etc I want him to say my name. He even saved my name on his contact list as " the house "!!!!!! When I confronted him why? Are you ashamed of me or my name? He told me no , I'm giving you a Prestige!!!!!!! I tried to understand he's point of view, but I wasn't convinced and I couldn't change he's way of thinking too. So I let it go it's a lost battle! He's thinking that by working hard and getting money to sustain a good quality of life for me and the kids, that's how much he loves me and that's the way he shows his love to me. For me I need more loving words, I want him to hold my hand while walking, to put his arm around me while watching the TV, kissing my hand after finishing his meal and saying thank you dear. Those are not costly demands, but for me, will show me how much he loves me. Women's demands are so silly in a man point of view. But believe me if your wife really loves you, she doesn't care if your gift is a diamond ring or a single red rose, she doesn't want you to write a poem showing your love to the whole world, but a simple "I love you" and a big hug will mean the world for her.

Sleeping

Doctors say that the normal person needs to sleep 7-8 continuous hours per day to rest and be able to return to his/ her activities the next day. For me sleeping 7 continuous hours became a dream that I would like to fulfill one day:) I sleep in total 4-6 separated hours per day. When having a baby, they always say that his/ her mother is poor she can't sleep well at night, I have twins, they woke up separately during night, and God forbid if they woke up together it will be hell for me. And when babies start to sleep, as for most babies it's after down, I have to wake up for the elders to prepare them to school. Even in holidays, the minute they are awake the house becomes a living circus nobody can get a normal sleep. Mama, mama, mama! They call every 2 seconds to ask any foolish question, just to wake me up. People try to consolidates me by saying one day they well all grow up and you'll be able to have some rest. I'm waiting for this day :))))) hoping it won't take long time to come.

Scheduel

As i told you earlier time is my great challenge, managing that time and scheduelling it was so hard and made my day so monotone. i have 4 kids, yes right 4, an 8 years old girl, a 6 years old boy, and a 2 years old twins a boy and a girl, now you realize why time is a challenge! I start at 6 am by waking my elder kids for school, getting them ready by 6:40 am going back to catch an hour or two before the twins wake up. By 12 pm i'm giving the twins their brunch, and right after they're done I start cooking Lunch for the whole family. At 2:20 my elder son returns from school, I go get him from the bus, come back for our daily fight of what is for lunch? I don't like this meal! You'll eat it scillenty! And we spend the next 2 hours in this arrgument if not more sometimes. At this time the twins are taking their nap :))) don't ask how they can sleep while you are fighting? But God is mercifull :))
At 4 pm they woke up get their lunch, at 4:45 my elder daughter returnes from school, get her lunch then we start our fight, yes another fight, and by the way I'm not a nervous person at allllll, this time not because she's not eating, noooo over her homework. At 7:30 the 4 of them get their dinner, and then the elders get prepare for sleep. At 8 pm they are in their bed, sometimes with a little fight some days are more peacefull :) at 9:30 I prepare the twins bottle of milk, then prepare them to sleep. At 10 pm the house is more quite and silent :) i start to prepare next days uniforme, lunch box, and backpack.
When I'm done, it's the " Me" time I told you about. Just till I get so tiered and fall asleep to restart at 6 am next morning.....
My schedule has no flexibility, but at least I can manage my time by myslef with the 4 demanding kids. Problem accures when something unexpected happens and it takes effort to return to schedule the next day.

Time

Time became a very challenging word for me, being a wife, a mother for 4 lovely children, is very hectic. To have a time by myself I have to take it from my sleeping time! And that means waking up the next day with a terrible headache and no energy to complete the day :( that's the "Dilemma" I'm living in every day. Spending the day taking care of the house and the children leave me powerless, but the minute that the house is calm I ask myself: why wasting that special time in sleeping? While I can do anything for me? Yes, Me! The word me is out of my dictionary all day long. It's always you or they. But when they are sleeping I remind myself that there's Me in life, and that's where I get the energy next day although I'm not sleeping well every night.